Did I mention before that I think January is my least favorite month? Really, the only good thing about it is…I have no fucking clue. At least today is the last day I have to suffer through it, and surely things will be better tomorrow. Maybe nothing will be different, but at least it will be February. I feel very Eeyore-ish today.

I hate waiting. Right now, I am waiting to hear how Owen’s bloodwork came out. BLOODWORK. That itself is a terrifying word, is it not? He has these lumps on his cheeks that are swollen lymph nodes, hard and painful to the touch and on the one side have caused him to be swollen celar up to his eye.  The nodes on his neck are also swollen, but he appears to be fine. Tired, yes-he has black circles under his eyes, and he hasn’t been eating well this weekend, but you know, no fever, no real complaints other than that his ear hurts. Still, Steve took him in to see J. this morning and she sent them over to the hospital for bloodwork because his ears, nose and throat all look great.  I am almost sure he is fine, just has some sort of infection that will be fixed with antibiotics (and she did send them home with a prescription to start him on), but of course it is a worry. Also slightly worrisome is that just to be on the safe side, they wouldn’t give him his boosters today. There is that little, nagging worry, because I know well how blessed I have been in my kids all being relatively healthy and I fear at times that I have been too blessed. I am mostly staying away from Dr. Google, though, because I really do think he is ok. I hope.

Aubry is already four and a half months old. Hard to believe that so much time has gone by already! She has only laughed out loud once, last weekend, so we have all spent considerable time and energy trying to get her to do it again, to no avail. I wonder sometimes if Hannah is aware of how lucky she is, though. Aubry is generally quite a cheerful little creature, rarely fusses and wakes up happy. She is getting a personality now, which is a lot of fun. However, Hannah is doing an excellent job mothering her so I don’t get to hang with her a lot. Which is good, of course, and what I had hoped would be the case, but still.

There are other things going on, but this is pretty much all I have the energy for. Hopefully I will get out of this slump I am in soon. Until then, send up happy thoughts.

To update you all, it has been the week from hell in more ways than one. At work this lovely Friday afternoon, if the phone rings one more everloving time I am going to rip my hair out by the roots and then sit down and cry. At home, if there is one more conflict, one more fight over the DS, whose turn it is at Candlyfuckingland, or who threw the dirty clothes on the floor next to the dirty clothes basket, I am going to lose it. If it rains and freezes and rains again, I am going to lose it, most likely AFTER I fall on my ass one more time.

Sigh. That being said, I am actually fine. Just a long week, one of those ones that seems to have lasted approximately a thousand days. It is the weekend in a few hours, I can sleep in a smidgen, hopefully write a long overdue letter to a friend, and all will be well.

Hugs.

I have been trying to put my finger on what I have been feeling lately, and I finally realized I am just plain grouchy. No underlying depression, nothing unusually traumatic has happened, I am just feeling really, well, bitchy. Maybe because it is cold, maybe because what thrill there was at Christmas (I got a Kindle from Amazon and I didn’t fight with my mom AT ALL!) is gone and I re-realize how broke I am, whatever it is, I am pretty sure if you  could see how mean I feel in my heart you would run away screaming.  Yesterday morning when I stopped at the smoke shop, there was a shifty little man wearing dark glasses, lurking in the corner and ogling the porn magazines. At 7:15 am! So I pointedly looked at him as if memorizing his features for his inevitable appearance on Crime Stoppers, and felt vindicated when he lowered his head and left the store. No secret that I think porn is evil, but it is (kind of) unlike me to deliberately embarrass someone caught looking at it (at 7:15! In the morning!). Then, there is a man who parks at the neighboring business in such a way that he has to drive over the sidewalk to get back to the street-because every day someone comes in and parks behind him. I don’t know why this annoys me, other than the fact that it is, you know, a sidewalk. So, because it does annoy me, I pull into the parking space directly in front of the sidewalk he runs over, just to be a bitch. And I secretly laugh every time I see him come out of the business and grumble.

Eli was asking me a couple of days ago whether I had made any resolutions for The! New! Year!  The question itself was rather surprising; it was 7:00 at night and I was already in my pajamas, robe, and yes, slippers, eating ice cream and reading. If I smoked in the house I would have had a cigarette hanging out of my mouth, too; do I look like a person who made resolutions? So I thought about it for a minute and said yes, I did. I resolved to keep getting out of bed every morning, and not try not to get fired from my job. He in turn thought about it for a minute and said,”Um, might either of those things be, you know, a problem?”  I thought to myself, buddy, there ARE those days.

I digress, not that any of this has a point. I am feeling the post-holiday-it’s fucking-cold blues, I think. My mind has been filled with these crazy, unreasonable fears, I have been feeling a little like I am losing my mind, and if I could, I would simply stay in bed for the next month or so. I might even go buy a Snuggie, since they are on clearance now. Anyone else feeling the weight of winter? As soon as it is over 20 degrees here, I can go out and walk at lunch again, clear my head, something, but for now, I think I will just try to keep from harming anyone.

I have been lurking around blog land, reading the retrospective posts and the Christmas recaps and all of the stuff in between, and I realize that I simply have nothing worthwhile to add. Funny thing about this place, the Internet, is that it is all fleeting and somehow unreal, and when you disappear no one notices. Therefore, I feel no real need to spend the time and energy going through my archives posting links to things I have already said, because if you read my blog, well, hearing it once was enough, right?  In my life, in the last year, people have been born, people have died, I have gone to work and done my job and gone home to do my work there. My children have gotten up and gone to school, they have learned some hard lessons, they have lived life. We have had birthdays and celebrations, we experienced sadness and heartbreak and despair, and have also experienced joy and beauty. In short, the last year has been spent living, and I imagine this new year will be much the same. I have no resolutions, have no grand plans, but instead imagine I will keep getting up and putting one foot in front of the other. Not such a bad way to live.

I am not sure what direction this blog is going to take, or if it is going to take any direction at all. So many people in my real life read this that I feel filtered lately, like there are too many things I can’t write about, so I am not sure how to manage that.  Also, there are of course the feelings of inadequacy, the things I struggle with all the time anyway but that seem magnified the last year. I mean, I can’t write about my drinking life with grace and beauty (since my drinking life HAD no grace and beauty), therefore I won’t ever get a book deal or TV appearance because of it. When I write about my bouts with depression, it just sounds whiny and pathetic. My brief foray into editing resulted not in more jobs but in absolute and complete rejection. And sure, all these things are external, but they still feel like failures because it feels a lot like someone else gets to live my dream, and I don’t even get a bit part.

Sigh…it very well may have been a better idea to simply not post again today, right? Maybe tomorrow something inspirational or moving or even interesting will strike me, or maybe I just won’t write anymore. Who knows? Not me, at this point. And for today, well, I think I will just continue doing what I have been doing, and see what happens.