I have been lurking around blog land, reading the retrospective posts and the Christmas recaps and all of the stuff in between, and I realize that I simply have nothing worthwhile to add. Funny thing about this place, the Internet, is that it is all fleeting and somehow unreal, and when you disappear no one notices. Therefore, I feel no real need to spend the time and energy going through my archives posting links to things I have already said, because if you read my blog, well, hearing it once was enough, right? In my life, in the last year, people have been born, people have died, I have gone to work and done my job and gone home to do my work there. My children have gotten up and gone to school, they have learned some hard lessons, they have lived life. We have had birthdays and celebrations, we experienced sadness and heartbreak and despair, and have also experienced joy and beauty. In short, the last year has been spent living, and I imagine this new year will be much the same. I have no resolutions, have no grand plans, but instead imagine I will keep getting up and putting one foot in front of the other. Not such a bad way to live.
I am not sure what direction this blog is going to take, or if it is going to take any direction at all. So many people in my real life read this that I feel filtered lately, like there are too many things I can’t write about, so I am not sure how to manage that. Also, there are of course the feelings of inadequacy, the things I struggle with all the time anyway but that seem magnified the last year. I mean, I can’t write about my drinking life with grace and beauty (since my drinking life HAD no grace and beauty), therefore I won’t ever get a book deal or TV appearance because of it. When I write about my bouts with depression, it just sounds whiny and pathetic. My brief foray into editing resulted not in more jobs but in absolute and complete rejection. And sure, all these things are external, but they still feel like failures because it feels a lot like someone else gets to live my dream, and I don’t even get a bit part.
Sigh…it very well may have been a better idea to simply not post again today, right? Maybe tomorrow something inspirational or moving or even interesting will strike me, or maybe I just won’t write anymore. Who knows? Not me, at this point. And for today, well, I think I will just continue doing what I have been doing, and see what happens.