I have been trying to put my finger on what I have been feeling lately, and I finally realized I am just plain grouchy. No underlying depression, nothing unusually traumatic has happened, I am just feeling really, well, bitchy. Maybe because it is cold, maybe because what thrill there was at Christmas (I got a Kindle from Amazon and I didn’t fight with my mom AT ALL!) is gone and I re-realize how broke I am, whatever it is, I am pretty sure if you could see how mean I feel in my heart you would run away screaming. Yesterday morning when I stopped at the smoke shop, there was a shifty little man wearing dark glasses, lurking in the corner and ogling the porn magazines. At 7:15 am! So I pointedly looked at him as if memorizing his features for his inevitable appearance on Crime Stoppers, and felt vindicated when he lowered his head and left the store. No secret that I think porn is evil, but it is (kind of) unlike me to deliberately embarrass someone caught looking at it (at 7:15! In the morning!). Then, there is a man who parks at the neighboring business in such a way that he has to drive over the sidewalk to get back to the street-because every day someone comes in and parks behind him. I don’t know why this annoys me, other than the fact that it is, you know, a sidewalk. So, because it does annoy me, I pull into the parking space directly in front of the sidewalk he runs over, just to be a bitch. And I secretly laugh every time I see him come out of the business and grumble.
Eli was asking me a couple of days ago whether I had made any resolutions for The! New! Year! The question itself was rather surprising; it was 7:00 at night and I was already in my pajamas, robe, and yes, slippers, eating ice cream and reading. If I smoked in the house I would have had a cigarette hanging out of my mouth, too; do I look like a person who made resolutions? So I thought about it for a minute and said yes, I did. I resolved to keep getting out of bed every morning, and not try not to get fired from my job. He in turn thought about it for a minute and said,”Um, might either of those things be, you know, a problem?” I thought to myself, buddy, there ARE those days.
I digress, not that any of this has a point. I am feeling the post-holiday-it’s fucking-cold blues, I think. My mind has been filled with these crazy, unreasonable fears, I have been feeling a little like I am losing my mind, and if I could, I would simply stay in bed for the next month or so. I might even go buy a Snuggie, since they are on clearance now. Anyone else feeling the weight of winter? As soon as it is over 20 degrees here, I can go out and walk at lunch again, clear my head, something, but for now, I think I will just try to keep from harming anyone.