I am between what feels like a rock and a hard place lately, the desire, no the need to write warring with the fear of putting it all out there anymore.  There are a lot of things going on in my life right now, and have been-some good, some bad, the way life tends to be. I have always used this platform as a place to process things as they occur, a place to feel less alone or isolated or whatever word you want to ascribe to it.  However, something a friend of mine said via email awhile back really hit me; I was telling this person something that was going on and this person said,”You have no right to expect people to be happy for you; you have put too much of your life out there for people to see.” Well. That pretty well sums it all up, doesn’t it?  I have spoken too openly, too often, about how I feel about things, therefore I feel too stifled to say things now. It doesn’t make any sense, but there you go.

 Also, as another friend and I were talking (she loves me enough to keep sending me these different writing opportunities, even though I am feeling as if that dream is long, long gone), that dumb review over at Ask and Ye Shall Receive really threw me for a loop-not because my writing was criticized, but because my family, my life, were drug through the mud. I can handle my writing and delivery being criticized, but some of the things said about my family, and echoed by the people who read that blog (who, I might add, probably never actually read any of my posts, but bygones, right?), were simply cruel and uncalled for, and that really made me wary of putting anything out there.  It isn’t their fault, don’t get me wrong-just like people slow down to watch a gruesome car wreck, some people profit because others are small-minded and cruel-that is the way of life. And yes, of course I asked for it, right, so no whining. Got that. Regardless, it threw me off track and made me question everything I had ever written about anything.

This has meant so much to me; too much, perhaps, if my emotional state regarding writing is any indicator. I used to say that I write in order to keep from going crazy, and I haven’t written anything of consequence in a very long time-I suppose you can reach your own conclusions about that. So I am missing it, feeling the need, but not having any idea anymore what is and is not okay for me to say. Which also perhaps prove that I am not, in fact, a writer; my skin is too thin, at least lately.

So this is practice, to see if I am still capable of being honest and real here, since that is what I have always striven to be.  I don’t know if I have it in me anymore, so here goes nothing.


14 thoughts on “Practicing

  1. It’s hard to put yourself out there. And even if we ask for it, it’s hard to be criticized like that. Especially when it’s about us as people. I don’t really know how NOT to take that personally?!? Except to say that they don’t know the entire journey. Even if they know where we are now, and some of the circumstances that led to our present, that still doesn’t speak to where we came from…and you, especially, were fighting demons from a very, very young age. You have won pretty much every battle so far. And I believe that you will win all the ones to come. And reading what you write here is inspiring to me. So dammit, just write for me and forget about everyone else 🙂

  2. I feel for you!
    I love blogging… and as far as I’m concerned, my life’s an open book. But it isn’t really – too many other people are involved in my life. Through the past couple of years, I’ve been extremely limited in what I can write about! It seems like every topic/adventure/story worth telling must remain a secret for one reason or another (some legal, some financial, etc.). I’ve been extremely careful, but because of that, I’m left with absolutely nothing worth saying! 😉
    But… I’ll keep blogging away because I know the day will come when I can be more open and forthright again.

    I don’t really know what to tell you about your situation… writing should be a release – something that feels good and makes you happy (or at least helps to unburden you). I guess only you can know whether it’s worth it or not.

  3. ”You have no right to expect people to be happy for you; you have put too much of your life out there for people to see.”

    Wait, what? What does one have to do with the other. What is so God awful about being open and finding connections and support where you might not have otherwise? I’m realizing more and more these days that some people just don’t get the whole blogging thing, but that doesn’t mean that the people who do get something out of it shouldn’t do it.

  4. It is hard to hear harsh things, especially from people who don’t know the whole story, or even part of it. It pisses me off when someone does that. Makes judgements based on only a few paragraphs, like they are so perfect… self-righteous prigs!

    Sorry for the rant, but it’s not their place, whether you asked for a critique or not.

    You have so much to offer, so many other women and parents are going through the same things, and it’s comforting to know they aren’t alone and that at least one other person understands.

    Do what you’re comfortable with, cuz that’s really all that matters.

  5. Honey- if it makes you happy or fulfills something which nothing else does- that is reason enough to write.
    You are a very fine writer and your life is your life.
    It’s up to you to decide what you need to do. But we’re here if you want to share. I promise.

  6. I do wonder about the people who criticize like that. And then I know that they really aren’t so secure and all knowing as they like to pretend. But I’m lucky to have a thick skin – and not too many mean people I encounter regularly. But … you know what you’re comfortable with, and that’s what you’ve got to stick with.

  7. You have to do what will work for you. Selfishly I hope that leads you to finding your voice again. Even if you don’t feel like you can be as raw as you’ve been, hopefully you can share your life at some level – I do wonder how you’re all doing! 🙂

  8. I’m with Steph. Pay no attention to that comment/advice from a “friend”! You try to write honestly and openly about your life does NOT bring the result “You have no right to expect people to be happy for you”. Jaysus! No wonder you are feeling gun shy about writing again.

    We, your readers, are glad to see you getting back up on that horse! x0 N2

  9. Your writing *should* be meaningful to you, and of course it’s going to hurt when someone decides to attack you personally for something you’ve decided was worth committing to writing and putting out there for all the world to see.

    While I don’t agree with your friend’s reasoning, I do think she’s right about not having the *right* to expect people to be happy for you. It would be nice, but it’s not your right. It’s not because you’ve put yourself out there and therefore don’t deserve it but because some people simply are not going to be happy for other people; and, unless you handpick your readers, you are always going to be opening yourself up to those people.

    I think some people view happiness as a finite thing, and if somebody else has lots of it in their life, then that means you are going to have to have less in your life-it’s sort of a glass-half-full, glass-half-empty thing-instead of, “Yay for her!” it’s “Boo for me.” Those people are never going to be happy for you.

    Anyway, that was all my roundabout way of saying, “Don’t let ’em get ya down,” not “You’re wrong and your friend’s right.” 🙂 You’ve always got fans here and plenty of people who *will* be hpapy for you.

  10. Kori-

    This is YOUR story. This blogging is about YOUR life…reality or fairytale. If you want ppl to feel sorry for you, you can express whatever you darn well please. Your readers feel for you, pray for you, support you through anything going on with your life. There will always be negative comments and people. They just like to be heard. This blog is your story and one that I hope you continue to update on. Goodluck with your writing, blog, negative ppl. Your readers will have your back!

  11. I don’t get that person who has a problem with you saying what you want to say. As far as I can see you have not done anything wrong and it sounds like you may have been talking to a bitter person who doesn’t like other people being happy. I know some people like that. They are generally the worst people to take advice from. Welcome back – I liked that you wrote something again.

  12. You go right ahead and say whatever you want, Kori. I would like to slap the person who told you that right upside the head. I have never gotten the impression that you EXPECT me to be happy, or miserable, for you. I would say that your friend has missed the part where he/she has no right to expect the portrait you paint of yourself to meet their expectations. If they can’t handle your reality, they shouldn’t be a part of it. It’s simple.

    Please don’t let the overly self-important ones lower your own sense of importance.

  13. Personally I think you should continue to say what you want to say and be open and honest if that is what you want to do. The Internet gives people a lot of courage when they can hide at home and make their rude comments. Most of them are so dissatisfied with their own life that they have to go out there and try to make other people feel miserable because they are bullies. You have to do what is right for you but I hope you keep writing from the heart and being true to yourself.

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