Breaking News

Since today seems to be the day for breaking news, I’ll finally go public with the fact that I am both pregnant AND getting married. Yes, the baby is Steve’s, yes, I am marrying Steve. No, I don’t know what will happen, no, I don’t know whether Steve will drink again or not (I don’t know that I won’t drink again either), no, I cannot and will not guarantee that he isn’t going to break my heart again. I can’t guarantee that no matter who the person is, or what kind of history is there. I could spend hours trying to explain the things that have happened over the past few months, but what I have recently found is that people don’t want to hear it. Several have automatically assumed that he is going to hurt me again, and that very well may be true. I don’t know that any more than I know whether or not I am going to wake up in the morning for sure.

But I do know this: that people can and do change. I am not the same person I was when I got sober (thankyougod), nor am I the same person I was a year ago. Things change, people change, and I am living proof of that. The fact that I am pregnant (and it was a planned, very much wanted baby, by the way) and am willing, after everything I have experienced, to marry anyone, is indicative that there is hope. I do not want to spend the rest of my life being lonely and bitter, closing myself off from possibilities just in case I might get hurt again.

None of this is to say that I am not afraid. Of course I am afraid; how could I NOT be? And that doesn’t have so much to do with Steve as you might think, and everything to do with me. I am a two-time loser in the marriage department, and will freely admit that I had as much to do with my divorce(s) as the other party did. And while I think I have learned and grown up a lot, what if I haven’t? What if I start going back to that mousy little woman who let her husband walk all over her, until she snapped? I don’t want to be that woman. I don’t take any of this lightly; it isn’t like I haven’t analyzed every single detail of what went wrong in my marriages as well as what went wrong with Steve before.  And I can pinpoint some pretty major changes I have made internally that definitely increase my chances of NOT being that woman again, but shitfire, I don’t know. Of COURSE I am scared. The thing is, this time maybe I am willing to work through that fear and keep moving forward instead of letting it cripple me.

At any rate, as a former friend said, I can’t expect anyone to be happy for me about all this, and believe me, I am not. In fact, I am expecting nothing from anyone. Some want to assume they know Steve, and can predict what will happen, when even I can’t do that, and I know him very well. Others do think having a baby at my age is insane, and perhaps that is true as well. But you know what? I am happy. My children are happy; my almost 17 year old son is going to walk me down the aisle and give me away, and if that isn’t symbolic, I don’t know what is. I know, too, that I could sure use love and support instead of negativism and cynicism, but even if I don’t get that I imagine I will make it, and even somehow manage to thrive.

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19 thoughts on “Breaking News

  1. Oh Kori, I am so happy for you! I really hope it all works out. And contrary to what some people think, I don’t believe the possibility of getting hurt again is really a reason by itself to move on from someone you love. Anyone can hurt you. Why keep adding to the list? Congratulations on your marriage, your expected little one, and all the hard work you have done to get this far and take care of your loved ones. God bless you all.

  2. Well, I don’t care what anyone else thinks, I am HAPPY and EXCITED for you!!! I know that you would have 10 more babies if you could, and you are so right when you say that nothing in life is guaranteed. I will say WOW though – I haven’t really been able to keep up with you, and I am surprised! Pleasantly :0) Best wishes Kori!!

  3. I am happy for the continued grace notes of people in this world. We find joy where we can. Enjoy this blessing, and thank you for sharing it with us.

  4. Wishing you nothing but love and joy, Kori! Congratulations on the baby! Sounds like a LOT has changed since last I wandered this way. I’ll have to make it a point to not be gone so long! And about the rest of it? Nobody can predict the future girlie! Life is all about leaps of faith! 🙂

  5. Very exciting news! Congratulations on your pending wedding and your pregnancy. Best wishes to you and Steve. I hope you have a long, happy, wonderful life together.

  6. Kori- you are so amazing and resilient and I am so happy to hear this news. You are saying YES to life in the most profoundly real ways.
    Blessings to all of you.
    Now- let yourself be happy.

  7. There is way too much frickin’ judging that goes on in the real world and in this bloggy world. I am happy for you and think if you’re looking at these developments as good things then that’s the only gall dang opinion that matters! I wish you didn’t feel like you need to justify being back with Steve. Nobody but you knows your life, even if others think they do – so try to worry about what you think and not everyone else.

    And oh, the baby thing is good 🙂

  8. Oh Kori,
    You and I are so much alike. I am so proud of you for not giving up on love and happiness. You deserve it all and all any of us can do is keep on trying and keeping on. I am very happy for you and can’t wait to watch you grow in life and love and well, your belly! 🙂
    Love ya girl and congratulations to all of you! This is your time to fly!

  9. Excuse me a moment while I ask, what the fuck?

    I turn my head for a month or two and you get knocked up and hitched!

    It’s like an episode of melrose place….

    😉

  10. Heartfelt congrats, Kori. Your past doesn’t have to define your present or your future — at least not in any negative way. People who make mistakes get to move on and be happy! Glad to hear you’re choosing that…

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