I woke up grouchy today because I went to bed grouchy last night. I got my dress, which was good, except that I hated it with a passion, which is not so good. I don’t know if it is because I am pregnant or what, but it was just terrible. I even bought a maternity gown, but oh gag. So after bursting into tears I looked for another one, and hopefully it will work. Getting down to the wire here in terms of finding a dress, so I am not sure what I will do if this one doesn’t work: showing up at my own wedding in maternity sweats and a t-shirt seems perfectly reasonable at this point in time. And I know that things will come together beautifully, they always do. I am trying not to get too bogged down in the details because I want this to be fun, and when I get all wigged out over stuff, it isn’t fun for anyone.
The thing is, I have never really HAD a wedding. I mean, I have been married twice before and still have no idea how to plan a wedding, like with invitations and a reception and the whole nine yards. We aren’t going elaborate by any means, but it still feels slightly overwhelming to me. Like, when are the grownups going to show up and take charge? Oh, right *smacks head* I AM the grownup, and it is my wedding.
And then this whole baby thing. I am not really complaining so much as observing that it is a lot different being pregnant at almost 39 than it is even at 34, and certainly different than at 19! I think maybe because I had so much bleeding early on (partial placenta previa which has hopefully resolved itself, as I haven’t bled for almost five weeks now), or maybe because I know what might happen, or maybe, simply, that this baby is so wanted, well, it has been scary for me. I am hyper-aware of every little thing happening to my body, and that isn’t necessarily a good thing. I go in today for my check-up and hopefully that will set my mind more at ease. Halfway there now, and maybe it means everyhintg is going to come out just fine.
This has been very random, I know, but random seems very much where my mind is these days. I have been both supported and not in my decisions, and I am trying hard to overcome my own tendency toward cynicism and second-guessing and over-analyzing, because believe me, I can talk myself out of any chance at happiness with another person if I do it long enough. My lovely friend J. stopped by the office a few days ago with a packet full of different gold rings that have belonged to various family members of hers. She handed it to me and said,”Go. Have a ring made with these. I want you to have them.” And yes, it was a packet of rings but what she was really handing me was a packet of hope and belief in the future. She knows me. She knows Steve, my family, my life, my history, and she believes in me. And that is what I am holding onto, that hope, instead of focusing on everything that could go wrong.