Sometimes I wonder if I am ever, ever ever going to be allowed to simply be happy, free to move forward into the future with hopefulness. It doesn’t look like it. You all know I am pregnant, that Steve and I are getting married at the end of May, and those are really, really wonderful things. We made the decisions we made, WHEN we made them, for specific reasons, and it really felt as if we were going to be okay. And we are, Steve and I, but this-this!
I got served, AGAIN, with garnishment papers from a bill of my ex-husband’s. And guess what? Creditors can renew a judgement every five years without telling you. Isn’t that lovely? This one is from clear back in 2001, for two different hospital visits, of which I knew nothing. So yes, we were still married at the time, but I knew nothing about this. I would assume, as this was his pattern, that he made two separate visits to the emergency room to obtain drugs, and then of course wasn’t going to tell me about it. I have to assume that is the case, as they won’t give ME any information about either of the visits, since we are no longer married. Does the irony slay anyone but me? He did sign for the service of the original suit, too, so this is another one of those cases (like all of them so far) where he knew very well what he was leaving me with, and simply didn’t care.
Want to know something else? He recently settled some work comp lawsuit to the tune of several hundreds of thousands of dollars. I did get my back child support, which is lovely. So nice to have a little bit of money set aside for when the baby comes, to actually be able to go somewhere for our honeymoon. Nowhere extravagant, mind you, but a weekend away. The wedding was going to take place anyway, despite what SOME may think about THAT, but sure, it is nice to be able to splurge on something luxurious just for ourselves. Now, though? This money will have to go toward simply being able to make it through the next several YEARS, while they take 50% of my paycheck again. I have emailed him, you know, to no avail, but I don’t know where they live, and of course he isn’t going to tell me. So the attorney said “so sorry, don’t know what to tell you, we will start taking half your take-home pay every month starting on the 1st of May!” I don’t have the money to hire an attorney, and even if I did, it would simply be a matter of suing Casey to pay me back the money I have and am going to be paying his creditors. It wouldn’t stop this process.
Do you know what it feels like to finally feel like you are free from the past, having paid all the penance required of you and been punished enough? It feels liberating, intoxicating, heavenly. So do you know, then, how it feels to have that taken away in one fell swoop? To know without a doubt that no matter how responsible you are, no matter how much you try and work, no matter how much effort you put into it, some mistakes will never, ever go away? My ex-husband is going to be haunting me until the day I die. Just when I start to think I have pulled myself out of the pit of poverty, this is going to suck me right back down into it. We decided to have the baby when we did because we were finally both on more settled financial ground, you know? And now not only am I being sucked back in, but so is Steve, and this new baby, and of course the other children I already have.
So Wendy, remember way back when you sent me that nasty email about Karma being funny? Yeah, I guess you were right. And A, remember when you accused Steve of using me for money? If he leaves me at the altar, you might be right. To all the people who have sat back and waited for life to kick me in the ass one more time, sit back. Make some fucking popcorn and enjoy the show, right? Because it is always going to be this way. For whatever reasons, I deserve this. I deserve to have this kind of a burden laid on me. Some would call it Karma, some would call it revenge for being such a bitch, some simply just enjoy seeing other people suffer, but it doesn’t matter what it is called, I am sure there is a reason for it. Maybe because for a few brief moments in the bigger picture, I dared to believe in hope.