Summer Can Now Commence

Sam has continued on with our annual “tradition” of ushering summer in with some kind of injury (and I will add that it usually IS Sam!). This time, he wrecked on his bike and ended up getting three stitches in his…scrotum. Poor kid, he hit the handlebars just right and ripped a hole in it, just under his right testicle. He was very brave, all things considered, and it was all very much the Man’s Club there at the ER. Steve and  the doctor and Sam and Owen, all huddled together discussing the injury with great gravity (well, not Owen-he just wanted to know what was going on). I felt very superfluous, to be honest, and actually have had to deal with a few hurt feelings over the whole incident.

How to explain this without sounding whiny? Maybe there is no way. So let me say right up front here that I was glad Steve came to the ER, glad that Sam feels so comfortable with him that they could sit there and commiserate with one another (and let me ask this: does EVERY man have some kind of testicle injury about which to brag?) about his manly parts. Am more than grateful that the two of them are really finally getting along; all of that is so, so true. Yet also true is the fact that for 12 years, Sam has been mine. For good or ill, I haven’t had to share him with anyone, his biological father being the person he is. And that has been a mixed blessing, of course, like most blessings are. So it’s a little bit disconcerting to be summarily dismissed from something that up until this week would have been what I thought was MY rightful place.

No matter. All is well, and as my friend Janet told me at lunch today, no parent is immune to those feelings. She and her husband have been married for 30 ish years and have one son, and she admitted to feeling jealous at times when the two of them talk for hours about whatever it is they talk about. That made me feel better, less insane, because Janet is one of the most together people I know and if SHE feels like that sometimes, then it must be ok. Not ideal, of course, but ok. Better to know the dem

So. Sam is home nursing a very sore nut sac, and he has somehow wheedled Steve into letting him keep this kitten we were “blessed” with, and I just feel pretty happy, hurt feelings aside. I don’t pretend to think that everything is going to be easy all the time, that they will get along perfectly and Steve will fill the hole left by Sam’s dad. But I am also smart enough to be grateful that in this case, he could give Sam something I couldn’t, and I am glad.

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Quick Update Is All I can Manage

Funny thing about this is that I really don’t know what to say anymore here on the blog. I have had so many transitions happening in my life that I can’t pick just one to focus on (though to the person whose comment I didn’t publish? The one where you called me dumber than a box of rocks? Forgive me for ‘exxagerating’ by 8%; the money being garnished from my checks is taken out pre-tax, and of course I am taxed on that original amount as well. I think I figured it is actually closer to 42% than 50 % being taken out every month. Thanks for pointing that out), and I feel almost like I don’t belong here anymore. Isn’t that odd? This is, after all, my little space, this place I have called home for some three-ish years, but it isn’t comfortable for me any longer. I am no longer in that bitter, angry single mom phase, yet neither am I in the settled-and-married phase. The “with children” but, well, of course, I always have and always will be one of those, but god knows my children aren’t always blogworthy material, right? So I am not sure where that leaves me, or what direction I need to be going in. Something to think about.

In the meantime, I can tell you that the wedding went off without a hitch, and it was better than I dared even hope (Come on-I had a couple of naysayers who had me convinced that Steve is a money hungry asshole who was going to take me for everything I had and then leave me high and dry, so I was just glad he was actually standing at the altar waiting for me!). There was a full church and good food and lots and lots of love from all sides. I had to blink back tears more than once, and in fact cried my way down the aisle, and it was perfect. We then left on our honeymoon, and it was equally lovely. In fact, I have a whole post forming in my head about just that!

And now it’s back to the task of living our lives, and so many things are going on right now. Already June is halfway filled up with various things, and before you know it we will be having this baby and Owen will be starting kindergarten and Eli will be a senior and….everything is changing. Which is the nature of living, I know, but also? Something I struggle with, change.

So this blog will change, and I am not sure how yet, but it is inevitable, just like every other change in life.  And change is something I do struggle with, but I am not going away, just trying to figure out how this is all going to look.