The last paper has been filed, the last cup of weak office coffee drunk. I have cleared my cubicle of the last seven and a half years of accumulated junk, and handed in my key. My boss had donuts and we had a little going away coffee klatcsh, the new girl dutifully watching the phones while we partied it up in the back room for the last time. At eleven o’clock Wednesday morning, I walked out of the office for the last time, each step away from the door one of both fear and elation. For the first time in more years than I can remember, I am unemployed, this time by choice.
I was not prepared for how sad it would be to leave, even though some things have happened since I chose to have another baby that made me feel a lot less loyal to the job than I had in the past. Still, I guess you don’t leave a place you have been for over seven years without feeling some sadness and regret. I am coming to terms with the idea that feeling those feelings doesn’t negate the feelings of happiness and freedom; they can and do co-exist somewhat peacefully if I let them.
Despite the fear involved, fear of so many things, I feel good today. Physically, not so much-I have bronchitis and am up at night coughing and coughing, and hope that the antibiotics kick in soon, and Josie isn’t feeling well either. But here I am at home, nursing myself and the baby back to health without feeling guilty because I am not at work. That is huge for me. I am going to be trying to do some freelance work from home, so have spent some time already this morning putting a few things into place to make that possible, all while the baby swings nearby and with my fuzzy socks on. Huge.
It is so true that you can’t have a beginning without an end of some sort, so I am trying to dwell in that today and allow all of the feelings in, allow them to have their say without crippling me. This is a good thing, even though it is hard and there is much uncertainty and fear. This is what I want to do, to raise my babies and write, and I have to just jump in and do it and trust that it will work out.