I feel discouraged today. I had these ideas, you know, of staying home and writing, hopefully for some sort of pay, but basically I am felled before I even truly begin. I read all these other blogs, you know, and so many other people are trying to do the same thing, these people whose words blow me out of the water on a daily basis, and I realize that I have nothing to say that hasn’t been said before, by much more talented people. Talk about a blow to the ego. So now I am left with no job, no second income coming in, and no fucking idea what to do next. Like I said, discouraging, plus there is a large bit of ass-kicking going on because I should have thought this all through a little bit more thoroughly before taking such a risky move. I could always go out and get another job, but the only thing I am qualified for is selling insurance-and I was getting burned out on that. Plus, of course, there is the whole issue of daycare, so I really need to look for evening or night work so that Steve can be with the kids and we won’t have to pay daycare; can’t sell insurance on evenings and weekends.
Sigh….at this point, right now, I just want to get through Christmas. The holidays are fraught with all sorts of tension for me, and as hard as I try for my kids’ sake, I just want it all to be over with. I hate the constant financial stress, the knowing that my kids are going to be disappointed, I hate the whole “let’s all pretend this is the best time of the year” crap, just-I hate it. I am sure a therapist would have a lot to say about why I am the way I am, and I could probably self-diagnose pretty accurately, but in the end it really doesn’t matter WHY I feel the way I do, I just do.
So I hold my breath, just four more days…and it isn’t going to change the money situation to have Christmas over, but then at least the kids can go back to having no expectations. They haven’t yet learned that expectations lead to disappointment, you see, and even though I have great kids who don’t typically expect a whole lot, the holidays are different. Four more days.