I am pretty disgusted with myself today. I think I have been in denial to an extent about the whole Christmas thing, because we have absolutely nothing to put into stockings. The presents are already wrapped, such as they are, we have a loose plan for where we are going to eat, etc, but no stocking stuffers. Which means we are going to have to brave both Wal-Mart and the dollar store tomorrow after Steve gets paid. Yes, on Christmas freaking Eve.I hate Wal-Mart anyway, and to be forced to go there on the busiest day ever and deal with every asshole coming out of the woodwork was really poor planning (or lack of) on my part. Yay me.
At least tomorrow night will be good. We will go to the church services, which will remind me of what it is all about, and we will then have dinner at our friends’ house. For some reason we are having a Mexican food night, which seems a little strange to me but hey, I just show up with whatever dish I am supposed to bring (Steve is making flan) and it’s all good. I love the people with whom we are eating, and it is truly a blessed time for me-so provided I survive Wal-Mart (or don’t end up in jail for assaulting someone), it will be a really, really good thing to go hang with these people whom I love, and who love me and my family without question.
And I truly am blessed, I know that. I try to practice gratitude daily, because I have so much to be grateful for. I forget sometimes, though, that because I am grateful doesn’t mean things don’t still suck sometimes; I am trying to be a little more gentle with myself-because feelings are feelings, and maybe they don’t need to be analyzed to death, but simply felt. I don’t have to love Christmas, and that doesn’t mean I don’t believe in God or Jesus, it just means I don’t love everything that goes along with it. And all I really have to do is suit up, show up, and fake it for my kids. That, I can do.