Prayers

He left home last night with a bag packed and his backpack slung over his shoulder, and I don’t know where he is. To say he ran away isn’t accurate, nor is it accurate to say that I kicked him out. Really, it’s a little bit of both, I guess, but I don’t suppose it really matters at this point. He is gone, and I don’t know where he is or if he is planning on coming back or, really, if should even let him.

The back story is that he borrowed Steve’s car on Saturday night with the understanding that he was going to three different places and would then be at his friend’s house, and they would fill the gas tank back up. Steve got car back and it had 150 miles on it (which is about 100 more miles than he was supposed to have driven), the gas tank wasn’t full, and most of a pack of cigarettes was gone. Then, Steve pulled the seat forward to let Owen out of the backseat and found three plastic shot glasses reeking of alcohol. I confronted Eli about it after school, of course he denied everything, and an argument ensued. In the heat of the moment I told him he couldn’t stay at the house any longer. We got home and he went downstairs and packed a bag, and when he came upstairs I apologized and told him I had said that out of anger, and that he couldn’t go anywhere. He left anyway.

(the back back story is that we have had trouble with Eli before. He is currently on probation for a combination of things-running away, truancy, minor consumption, and malicious injury to property)

I called Eli’s probation officer this morning to let him know what had transpired, because Eli is supposed to check in with him again today. He is going to go to the school and if Eli is there, drug/alcohol test him and tell him he has to come home or he is in violation of his probation. If he isn’t there, I am not sure what his PO will do; he said he will call me and let me know and we can decide from there.

So those are the facts, but the facts don’t even begin to describe how this feels to me. All night long I was in and out of sleep, worrying about where he was and what he was doing and whether or not I was going to get a middle of the night visit from the police. I worry about where he is and what he is doing, and what the consequences for him might be. I worry that I have failed him in irreparable ways, and my heart is broken to think that I may have lost him. I don’t know if he needs rehab or jail or to be forced to come home, and don’t know if him coming home is the answer either. I don’t know anything at this point other than that I am helpless to stop this tidal wave Eli seems to be riding on, and I worry about the inevitable crash.

So if you are the praying sort, please pray for my son. Pray that he finds his way, pray that he is safe, pray that deep down he knows how much this mama loves him.

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4 thoughts on “Prayers

  1. Oh God, Kori, I am so sorry. I will be praying hard. There’s nothing I can really say except that I know you love him and are trying really hard, and I believe in the end that will win out. A thousand hugs.

  2. I am praying like a maniac (at first I wrote that I was praying like a mofo, which is true, but that sounds bad, so I edited).

    YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING. You are being a parent, and this is love. He’ll come back around – may not be for years, but someday he’ll thank you for treating him like a parent should.

    Hugging you all the way from MN.

  3. I’m so sorry. I know it must be especially hard to watch him with alcohol because you know firsthand where it can lead. My oldest is only 5 and when I think about this kind of stuff… it’s just scary. And yet, there’s not a thing you can do. I know how much you love your kids, and I know that you’ll help them in any way you can. It’s so hard to figure out what is right. I’ve got you and Eli in my prayers.

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