It’s a Sunday evening and I feel like Ms. Moon and her Church of the Batshit Crazy only without the eloquence. Josie has been so sick, like the doctor saying “In case she has to go to the hospital “sick… and she is getting better but I am just so tired. I just got back from picking Eli up from his weekend stay in Juvie for his poor grades, Hannah is mad at me because I told her to stop being selfish about something.Steve says “Josie doesn’t even LIKE me!” but it isn’t that, it is just that she is sick and wants her nursies and her mama and more nursies, and I feel a little at the end of my rope.

It isn’t any easier for me to be the one she wants all the time, especially while she has been so sick. I have tried two different slings and I hate both of them, can’t get the hang of it at all, so I end up carrying her around and doing things with one hand. I have all this time now that I am home, in theory, and I feel like such a failure because I just can’t get anything DONE. I have placed all of these expectations on myself and it’s all based on how I think things *should* be and I feel like since I AM home I shouldn’t have to ask for help. Some days though, when she has been especially needy and fussy, all I want is an hour, you know?

Sigh…I am ok, and this is all okay, and it’s all part of this life, this life that I love, you know? I am typing this with a crying baby on my lap and Steve is making dinner, four of the five kids are here and I am grateful for all of it, even when I feel at the end of my rope and crazy.

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