Finally, Friday Fragments!

Mommy's Idea ***We have been working toward eating healthier here at our house. To this end, I have been concocting smoothies every morning with a variety of different fruits and, yes, vegetables. The kids don’t even notice and I swear I can tell a difference in how I feel.

***Eli is home from juvie, safe and sound (ish). His job is dependent upon the weather so he has been lucky in that the whole time he was in, there was rain and snow. Therefore, he still has his job. He still has a lot of decisions to make in the next short while, and he does still have sentencing for the racing ticket looming in front of him, but still having a job is one not-so-small good thing. He keeps telling me there IS no God, but I not-so-secretly think that God has a hand in all of this.

***Speaking of God having a hand in things, I am feeling marginally better about the lack of communication with Hannah. Because God loves me, I have to remember that He loves Hannah just as much. Also, He can do a lot better job of taking care of her than I ever could, therefore I think I will let Him. Keeping this in mind is harder than it sounds, though, because I really sometimes just want to jump in and take over. Because, you know, I have been SO successful about managing my own life on my own.

***There have been so many things going on that I am powerless over that really, all I can do is take care of myself. I have spent a lot of time in quiet (ish) reflection and in eating good food (food as fuel, right?), praying and working out and walking. I don’t know why it does, but it helps. There is a huge connection between mind and body, isn’t there?

***And speaking of working out, I was really rocking the workout yesterday, like sweating and huffing and puffing.  I was in my pajamas because I don’t have any workout clothes, and when I was done I went to let the dogs out and the property managers were outside. I was embarrassed because it was ten and I was still in my jammies, so I was explaining that I was working out, blah blah. They said,”Oh,we know, we have been watching you for the last twenty minutes!” It would be a little creepy if I didn’t know these people, but instead it was just funny.

***There is this hill where we like to walk, and yesterday I made myself walk up and down this hill three times. It is a little steep, but mostly I am just terribly out of shape. I kept thinking of The Biggest Loser people though, and thought if they can do some of the things they do, I can walk up this wretched hill. I would have felt more accomplished if Sam hadn’t RUN up the hill a couple of times and then said,”look mom, I RAN up the hill and I have asthma.” Thanks, kid.

***The weather is finally starting to warm up and feel slightly springish. This makes my whole outlook change, and I am really glad to be able to get out of the house a little more often!

Thanks to Mrs. 4444 for her Friday Fragments; I am sure there are a ton of more interesting fragments out there, so head over and find them!

Advertisements

Worries

Worry is my companion this morning as I drink my coffee and nurse the baby and get ready for this day. Eli has court in a few hours (it wasn’t yesterday as I had originally posted, obviously; had the date mixed up in my mind) and I am so afraid for him. The racing ticket isn’t like a traffic ticket, it is a misdemeanor, and he already has another misdemeanor under his belt so his punishment is likely to be worse. The policeman who came and talked to me after the fact went on and on about how nice and polite and honest Eli was, which is a good thing (because God knows he hasn’t been very honest with anyone else). However, watching Eli show up to court in handcuffs and shackles is likely to skew that opinion some. That worries me. It worries me that Eli will be in front of the same judge whom he has seen four times already for various things; leniency is unlikely at this juncture. Knowing that he is in this position through his own choices doesn’t make this any easier.

I went to see him on Sunday, and maybe this time it is all sinking in. He cried the whole time I was there, alternating between silent tears and those gut-wrenching sobs that hurt coming out. He kept saying he wishes he could go back and change things, wishes he could be a little kid again when all it took was a hug and a kiss from me to make it all better. He is so scared, and so ashamed, and kept saying he just wants to come back home where it’s safe. We were able to have a really good talk, about how one small choice is all it takes to set a whole avalanche in motion, how important it is to surround yourself with good, strong people. We talked of honesty, which isn’t just about telling the truth but also about living the truth, and of how at the end of the day, a person’s integrity, his good character, is all he has to offer the world. We talked, too, of his future, which has been changed considerably in the course of a mere week. He can still succeed, he is just going to have to take a different path, and it’s all up to him.

It isn’t just the situation with Eli causing me worry this morning. I am still worried about Hannah, both in the now and for her future. She is still incommunicado, even ignoring texts and phone calls from Sam, even refusing to acknowledge the updates about Eli, effectively cutting herself off from all of us. This, I simply do not know how to handle. The instinct is to go to her house and confront her, to MAKE her talk to me, but I know in my heart that it is not the right thing to do. She feels, for whatever reasons, that this is how she needs to handle the conflict, hoping that by ignoring it, all will be forgotten in time.She hasn’t yet learned that problems only get exponentially worse if they are brushed under the rug.  I feel strongly that even though I know she is hurting and afraid in her own life, the worst thing I can do is rush in and try to fix it for her, even though all I want right now is to be able to hug her and tell her I love her.

I ask for prayers this morning, and I wish I could tell you specifically what to pray for, but I really have no clear idea. I find myself simply saying, over and over again, please. Whatever might happen, I pray for my son, that he might be able to weather it and use this as a life lesson and move forward from here. As his mother who is a hot mess, I pray simply for the acknowledgement that everything that happens serves God’s purpose, and I pray for the peace to manage whatever happens with dignity and grace. Not just for myself, but for my children and my husband. They watch me, all of them, to see how they should handle difficult situations, and I pray I can be a good example. I pray today for peace, regardless of the outcome.

Missing

I am missing two of my children. Not in the traditional sense; I know where they are. One, Eli, is in juvie again, this time for five days, and Hannah is just down the road in her new apartment with her boyfriend and Aubry. Still, I am missing them, I don’t really know where the essence of either of them is, I don’t know, really, what happened or why they have both become the way they are.

Too many things that I cannot write about, not about me but about these two children who are ripping pieces of my heart out-partly out of respect for their own privacy but partly-maybe mostly-because I don’t really know their stories. I know that my son has been skipping school again, I know that he has been, unbeknownst to me, hanging out with some people who have been proven to be bad news to him in the past. I know that he is going to be kicked out of high school his senior year, know that he has to go to court on Monday for a racing ticket, know that I have to watch him be brought into court with handcuffs and shackles on because that is how they transport juveniles to court dates from the jail. I know that my daughter has been a party to several different things by lying and covering up for him, I know that in many other ways she has been dishonest with me, and I know that at this time, she isn’t speaking to me. I know that they are both in their own ways lost, but I don’t know anything about how to try to help them anymore.

I went to an AA meeting last night because I know where I need to be when shit hits the fan. Steve got his one year sobriety chip (over a month late, so he has 13 months, go Steve!) and talked about how blessed he is, even though earlier in the day we both shed tears over the heartbreak of watching two lovely, beautiful, kind children make choices that have life-altering consequences. I listened to people who know us and love us, who know and love all my children, talk about how the best thing we can do for both of them is get out of the way. That they need to make the choices they are going to make, and that I am powerless not just over alcohol but over people, places, things. I heard things I already know, but hearing them again helps. That even when things happen that shatter us into little pieces, there is still so much beauty and love and peace in the world, that it is possible that heartbreak and redemption can be felt in the space of a single heartbeat.

I am so sad today, and so goddamned angry that I could chew nails, so scared and worried about each of these children, and so full of love for them that I can hardly breathe. I believe in them, in both of them. I believe in who they are, even though their choices right now do not reflect that. At the same time, I have to practice tough love and make some really, really difficult decisions about how much I can and am willing to do for either of them any longer, for my own sake. I will not give up on them, but I may have to simply give them the room to make their choices and deal with the consequences.

In the meantime, as I am constantly reminded and was reminded of again last night, the best thing I can do right now is to take care of myself. To not drink, to take care of my body and my mind and most importantly my spirit. To practice gratitude and to live in this day, to see the beauty and the pain and dwell in both of them as they come.