Worries

Worry is my companion this morning as I drink my coffee and nurse the baby and get ready for this day. Eli has court in a few hours (it wasn’t yesterday as I had originally posted, obviously; had the date mixed up in my mind) and I am so afraid for him. The racing ticket isn’t like a traffic ticket, it is a misdemeanor, and he already has another misdemeanor under his belt so his punishment is likely to be worse. The policeman who came and talked to me after the fact went on and on about how nice and polite and honest Eli was, which is a good thing (because God knows he hasn’t been very honest with anyone else). However, watching Eli show up to court in handcuffs and shackles is likely to skew that opinion some. That worries me. It worries me that Eli will be in front of the same judge whom he has seen four times already for various things; leniency is unlikely at this juncture. Knowing that he is in this position through his own choices doesn’t make this any easier.

I went to see him on Sunday, and maybe this time it is all sinking in. He cried the whole time I was there, alternating between silent tears and those gut-wrenching sobs that hurt coming out. He kept saying he wishes he could go back and change things, wishes he could be a little kid again when all it took was a hug and a kiss from me to make it all better. He is so scared, and so ashamed, and kept saying he just wants to come back home where it’s safe. We were able to have a really good talk, about how one small choice is all it takes to set a whole avalanche in motion, how important it is to surround yourself with good, strong people. We talked of honesty, which isn’t just about telling the truth but also about living the truth, and of how at the end of the day, a person’s integrity, his good character, is all he has to offer the world. We talked, too, of his future, which has been changed considerably in the course of a mere week. He can still succeed, he is just going to have to take a different path, and it’s all up to him.

It isn’t just the situation with Eli causing me worry this morning. I am still worried about Hannah, both in the now and for her future. She is still incommunicado, even ignoring texts and phone calls from Sam, even refusing to acknowledge the updates about Eli, effectively cutting herself off from all of us. This, I simply do not know how to handle. The instinct is to go to her house and confront her, to MAKE her talk to me, but I know in my heart that it is not the right thing to do. She feels, for whatever reasons, that this is how she needs to handle the conflict, hoping that by ignoring it, all will be forgotten in time.She hasn’t yet learned that problems only get exponentially worse if they are brushed under the rug.  I feel strongly that even though I know she is hurting and afraid in her own life, the worst thing I can do is rush in and try to fix it for her, even though all I want right now is to be able to hug her and tell her I love her.

I ask for prayers this morning, and I wish I could tell you specifically what to pray for, but I really have no clear idea. I find myself simply saying, over and over again, please. Whatever might happen, I pray for my son, that he might be able to weather it and use this as a life lesson and move forward from here. As his mother who is a hot mess, I pray simply for the acknowledgement that everything that happens serves God’s purpose, and I pray for the peace to manage whatever happens with dignity and grace. Not just for myself, but for my children and my husband. They watch me, all of them, to see how they should handle difficult situations, and I pray I can be a good example. I pray today for peace, regardless of the outcome.

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3 thoughts on “Worries

  1. Well you have me praying for all of you. I was touched by how you described the conversation you had with Eli. Regardless of what happens in court today that conversation is a positive result of his poor choice. That conversation is a big deal (I just shouted that sentence, did you hear me?). And he most definitely will succeed! Don’t think otherwise, and you tell him a weird lady in MN agrees – he WILL succeed. He’s got to deal with this crap, with these consequences, but life goes on after mistakes. And Hannah – I hurt for you on that one. She’s figuring some shit out I suppose and that hurts like heck for you. I hope she hurries up!

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