I got up at five this morning, the first time in a month or more that I have gotten up this early. When I still had to go to work every day, I got up early to have my time with coffee and quiet before waking the kids and starting the morning routine, but I have gotten out of the habit. Instead, I have been waking up just long enough to make sure Steve has gotten up and then I pull the baby closer and we sleep until six or, on occasion, even seven. Moving back to the town where the kids go to school, plus not having to be at work, has given me a full two hours of extra time in the mornings (and of course school is not in session right now) and I have been taking advantage of it.
Still, I have been off the last little while, feeling the first blooming of resentment in my heart. It’s hard to be home with kids all day, especially with a baby like Josie who, for lack of a better word, remains difficult. The boys get bored and fight, they don’t want to help with chores and defy me at every turn, and when Steve gets home at night he is tired and doesn’t want to hear all about the trials of my day. There is a lot more work and a lot less appreciation than when I went to a job every day. The list goes on, and yes, I am aware of how selfish and petty it all is. This is what I wanted and hoped for and never thought I would get.
So I had and epiphany last night when Steve came home, ate dinner, and went to bed at 8:45 (in his defense, this isn’t usual; he had been up since four and wasn’t feeling well to boot; he was tired). I sat downstairs silently stewing until I realized that part of what is going on is that I miss my husband. We are parents and work well together; he gets up and goes to work in order to make it so I can stay home and take care of our family, and when he comes home in the evening he usually plays ball with the boys and hangs out with Josie and does what he can to catch up on the things he has missed during the day. We are more than parents, though, and that is what has been missing, that feeling of being US. When we both worked, we had our morning routine together of coffee and making lunches and just being together, and it seems funny that an hour would make that much difference but it surely does.
Also,I have missed being ME. I have been so caught up in the kids and this new lifestyle and trying to do everything just right that I have been neglecting some of the things that I need to do in order to make sure I am not just okay but good. I have let my spiritual and physical well-being slide, and the result is that emotionally and mentally, I am all sorts of wonky.
The great thing? All of this is fixable, it is just a matter of changing my perspective. I have a good life, and I am not really complaining. I just need to get back to a place of gratitude and steer clear of my resentments. There are things I can do in order to change how I perceive things, there are ways I can reconnect with my husband, there are ways I can feel fulfilled and happy with where I am. So today, this morning, is all about remembering who I am, who Steve and I together are, and how far we both have come.