There are some who would like me to apologize for my life now, having given up the strong, single mother personae for this one of marriage and new baby and quitting my job to stay at home with my younger children. The thing is, all those years I was a single parent, it wasn’t because I wanted to be. I never wanted to become some poster child for how to BE a single mom, never wanted to set some example of how to get along without a man and be happy. I did get along without a man for a long time, and there are times I WAS happy, wildly so. I never pretended, however, that I wasn’t hoping for a different life, never pretended that I did not want, someday, to be married again. I was not a single parent by choice; circumstance dictated that I needed to make the decisions I made, and it happened that I had to become a single parent in order to save myself and my children. It isn’t like I woke up one morning and thought, “You know, I really think I would like to do this parenting gig alone.” Life happens, you know?
And now I have this:
I have all of that, and more, and I cannot figure out why anyone who genuinely cared for me would want me to apologize. Someone commented recently on my Facebook page that I am living the dream, and it made me laugh but it is actually true. School is out for the summer and there are swimming lessons and t-ball (which I still can’t stand) and afternoons at the pool, there are dishes and laundry and a baby who is, well, hard. There are fights between the kids and I often feel like I suck at this stay-at-home-mom gig, and yet this IS my dream, in so many ways.
No more apologies from me, even though I haven’t said any of them out loud. This is my life, and I love my life. It isn’t great all the time, there are still problems and issues and struggles, but I love it anyway. It is hard and I struggle, with being married and having a high needs baby and trying to figure out who I am now that I don’t have my job to help define me. I struggle with having older children and learning to walk the fine line between guidance and control. I have a hard time learning how to share my life with someone, and I have a hard time with admitting how much baggage I am still carrying around from my past. Easy? No, none of this is easy for me-but I love it anyway.
So tonight I am feeling a little bit freer for having said here on my blog that I am happy and I will not apologize for that. I did not betray single mothers everywhere by getting married, did not let anyone down by choosing a different life. It IS my life, and I am just going to live it as best as I can.