I tell you, some days it seems like too much. Steve and I had the big (and some would say inevitable) fight on Saturday about whose work has more value, about whether or not I actually “work” (apparently I get to sleep however long I want, including sleeping in AND napping, and then spend the rest of the day on the computer), and about how inconsiderate I am for, every night at bedtime, leaving him with the baby while she is crying so I can do whatever it is I do before bed. For ten minutes. It was a doozy, and coming so close on the heels of our first BIG fight (about the kids) a couple of weeks ago, I am feeling very bruised and fragile today. It isn’t that he didn’t have valid points (though not about me sleeping whenever I want NOR about being on the computer all day!); a few of the things he was angry about had merit, no doubt. We all have a part in everything, I firmly believe, and I am not the perfect wife by any means. It was more the way he approached it, and some of the things he said were really hurtful. Also the things he implied-number one being that I am LAZY-and then of course we all know how I tend to overreact just a little…it was ugly. I may or may not have uttered the words “you are a fucking asshole” before gathering up the still crying baby and going to sleep in another bedroom. And I may possibly have laughed just a little when he was telling me about how mad he was that I leave him with the baby while I get ready for bed. So it isn’t as if I did my best to defuse the situation, I am aware.
On a rational level, I know that fights happen. I know that to a point, they are a good and healthy aspect of a marriage. My dear friend Janet says that if couples aren’t fighting (within reason) then they aren’t talking, and I agree with that. It is just so hard for me to fight, and especially to fight in a rational, adult manner. At that moment, after having dealt with this rather needy, fussy baby for several days and running on less sleep than he has been getting, well, I was in no way capable of handling anything in a rational manner. Really, at that moment in time, I really just wanted him to shut up so I could go to bed. After I called him a few names, of course.
In both our defense, too, things are just really hard right now. We are dealing with the loss of Josh in a permanent way (as opposed to the loss when he and Hannah broke up), trying to process all of the immediate feelings of grief attendant to a sudden death. We are trying really hard to be there for Hannah, and even though we love her and Aubry to pieces and WANT them to be here with us whenever she needs us, it is still an added stress to have to be strong for her to lean on. The reality, too, is that he doesn’t get to sleep much, he works really, really hard, and I am probably not as considerate of that as I should be. Neither of us are operating under optimum conditions, and we take it out on each other.
This will pass, I know. We need to have a dialogue about some of the things he brought up, but today is not the day. We have both apologized, which is the first step (and a huge one), and we are both aware of some things we need to work on, and none of that is bad. I just feel so tired and overwhelmed right now, and it seems so much more difficult than it really is, you know?
Sigh….just keep us in your thoughts, will you?