Those December Blues

We were watching a special on either the Discovery Channel or the History Channel last night about the Mayan calendar and the purported end-of-the-earth coming up here at the end of the month. I have to tell you, there are times when that doesn’t seem like the worst thing in the world to happen. It isn’t like I walk around wanting to die or anything even remotely like that, but sometimes everything just seems so, so hard. I struggle around the holidays anyway, just as a general rule (and the next person who asks if I am going to see my mom over the holidays? Well. Just graciously accept the ‘no, not this year’ and don’t question me, okay? Because it’s a little like rubbing salt in the old “you have been abandoned’ wound),and it feels like this year things are just-bad. Ugly. Like I can feel the jungle drums beating.

Hannah got a letter from her attorney saying he needs $500 more or he is going to withdraw from her case; it hasn’t been that long since we begged/borrowed from various people to come up with the $1000 retainer, and it sure is hard to see exactly where he might have spent that already, but there you go. The thing is, we none of us HAVE $500. Oh, well, we will figure it out; we had a bit of unexpected money come in today, which we were going to use to get some Christmas presents, but instead it will go toward her attorney. We also have a car that no one is using right now, and we can sell that for scrap metal so hopefully between the two we will be able to make the $500. Which is all well and good for the short-term; it will buy Hannah a couple more hours of work from him, or five hours of his paralegal’s work. Long term, no idea. And let’s not forget that this unexpected money was going to go toward Christmas, right? But that is just me being selfish, I know.

It makes me so sad, though, because Hannah is thinking seriously that she is going to have to quit school and go work full-time. Maybe to some people, this is something she should have done long before this, because it’s “just” cosmetology school, but with no education of any kind, she is destined to be a waitress or a cashier somewhere for the rest of her life. THAT breaks my heart. I really feel like it would be in her best interest long-term to stay and finish, but-I also know that she can’t keep making it on what she is living on now. She is barely making it as it is. Also, we help her as much as we can because it is important for her to get some marketable skills, but we can’t help with much more than we already are. So I GET it, I do, but I also know how hard it is to go back; I am 40 and have never made it back.

Then there is the fact that Eli is in jail, and he will be there for Christmas as well…just him being there is painful enough,and a story for another day, but there are considerable financial problems that go along with it. It isn’t all about the money, it never is-but adding those on to already stressful situations just seem to make them all that much worse. I keep trying to remember that these are just moments, and that things will ultimately work themselves out. Keep trying to remember that things could be worse, things HAVE been worse, but right now these moments are incredibly painful.

So. We went to get our Christmas trees today, one for us and one for Hannah, and it was good. We took the boys out of school early and drove up into the mountains and cut two down, and Sam got to try his snowboard (which we got a great deal on at a garage sale this summer). They had a blast, tramping through the snow and getting to help saw down the trees. They (Steve and the boys) got it all decorated while I was gone picking Aubry up from daycare and taking her to Hannah, which is even better because I just don’t get into it. Sam even took it upon himself to decorate the outside of the house with lights, which was pretty cool. Still, it’s like I know the right things to say and I can fake it with the best of them but really, I couldn’t care less.

This will pass; I know it will, because I go through this or something like this every December. The important things will somehow be taken care of (like Hannah’s attorney, which is number one right now), and I will remember how truly blessed I am in all the ways that really do matter. I don’t feel that way now, when the house is  asleep and I know that Hannah is up worrying about how she is going to keep her baby and Eli is laying on a jailhouse bunk, but it is dark and cold and everything feels worse at night.

So. I will faithfully take my anti-depressant and keep exercising and keep eating good food and sleeping and praying, and this will pass, a day at a time. Thankfully I know this, I know that these are just feelings and they won’t kill me, and I know that in a day or a week or whenever it happens, a light will come on and this will all seem okay, even manageable. Tonight, though, it just seems dark.

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Another try to get back into the blogging habit…we will see how it goes. I have lost most of my readers because I never blog, but sometimes that isn’t a bad thing. I still need to write, for my own sanity if nothing else, and if I don’t have much of an audience it might be easier to write what is real and true without worrying about what other people think. The thing is, I have too much time and energy invested in this blog over the years to simply give it up; so much of my life is here in these posts, the big and little, the mundane and the spectacular-and I want to leave my mark, however small.

So. Here’s to yet another beginning.