I feel like I am on the world’s longest roller coaster ride, so many ups and downs that I almost feel sick to my stomach. However, there isn’t the thrill involved in an actual ride. I was feeling good about things,and now I am not feeling so good about things, all in the space of a few days.
It is awful to say this, but I am feeling a lot of anger and resentment toward both my older kids today. I told you all about using our Christmas money and selling the car to pay for Hannah’s attorney, and I get that it was necessary but I still feel upset. Then, the whole Eli-in-jail thing is causing an incredible amount of stress, financial and otherwise. See, he has work release, but it costs $25/day in advance to pay for that privilege; I have his debit cards so I can use what he gets paid for part of that, but it only works when he actually gets his paycheck when he is supposed to. I was kind of sweating the bill paying and such, but he was supposed to get paid today so went ahead and paid part of the work release, knowing that I would get it back. However, no paycheck was deposited this morning, leaving me in a really bad spot. Just so goddamned frustrating.
And I hate to complain about money; it makes me sound so greedy and selfish and all that jazz. I guess I probably am, and probably shouldn’t feel resentment toward the kids for these things. Let me try to explain it, though. For so long we were so, so poor, and for the last year or so things have improved considerably; it has been really nice to be able to buy groceries without putting off bill paying, so nice to be able to buy shoes and coats when needed, so nice to be able to live more like normal people. Now, though, with these new expenses involving the older kids, I am right back to where I was before, only worse-because for a time we had the feeling that things would be okay. Ha, silly me.
And I know I don’t HAVE to help the kids; there are some who are probably mentally throwing my “tough love” stance back in my face. I DO believe in tough love, which is part of why Eli is in jail. However, he IS working, and needs to be able to have a job when he gets out; it was/is better short-term to help him how we can in order for him to be able to keep his job. I have already warned him that there will not be a second time; if he ends up in jail again for any reason, there will be no helping, financially or otherwise. So helping him is a choice I am making, I know, but that does not mean it is easy. As far as Hannah goes, Aubry’s dad is causing so many problems in her life that if she doesn’t have an attorney, she is going to lose Aubry; not through any kind of bad parenting or unfitness as a parent, but because she is poor. I wish I could detail the ways in which he is making her life hell, but suffice it to say that she lives in fear every minute of every day. So again, this is a choice I am making, I get that, but it is still so hard.
Speaking of Hannah, she had her 20th birthday on Monday; it just doesn’t seem possible that she is only 20, you know? I mean, she ACTS like a 20-year-old in a sense, but she has also gone through more things than a lot of people twice her age. I watch her keep plodding forward, trying to figure out a way to NOT have to quit school but knowing she is probably going to have to after Christmas, I watch her try to keep her head above water and it just makes me sad on so many levels. We knew it would not be easy for her when she had Aubry, but it surely shouldn’t have to be this hard. It is for this reason that I might wish I had all the money in the world, just to lessen some of the burden for her.
Sigh….again, back in the hole. I do know that feelings are only temporary, but that doesn’t make them any less shitty. HOW many more days until this lovely holiday season is over?