It’s not YOU, it’s ME!

I quit my job this morning. Even saying those words sends a little frisson of fear and excitement down my spine, in equal measure. I have been agonizing over this decision, trying to figure out whether or not we could afford it financially or if I could afford it emotionally. It has been so hard for me to leave Josie, as my last posts attest to, but it has been equally difficult to make the decision to quit, for a variety of reasons. The decision was made easier with the recent knowledge that we no longer qualify for any childcare assistance-at what point does it actually stop being worth working from a financial standpoint? Well, for us it was when we realized I would be bringing home, after all was said and done, about $200 a month.

Even knowing what I truly want and knowing the financial ramifications (both good and bad) did not make it any easier to go in and talk to my boss this morning, though. I have been here over seven years, having worked my way up from receptionist to agent, and I know that my boss took a chance on hiring me all those years ago. This job has meant a lot to me, on a lot of different levels. I have invested a lot of time and energy into it, and have done well. For the most part, I like my boss and the people with whom I work, I enjoy my customers (mostly), I enjoy what I do. It hasn’t been a passion, mind you, but I haven’t ever really dreaded going to work. Add to that my extreme loyalty, my inability to deal with confrontation (real OR imagined), and my perception of my boss as a father figure (if you had any doubts on that score, yes, I DO have some major issues) and I was a wreck even thinking about talking with him about this. I like to project, you see, and assume, and mentally plan for every possible contingency. I had myself so mindfucked that I was nearly paralyzed with fear.

But: it went, as it often does, far better than I expected it to. It was a little like breaking up with someone, using the “It’s not you, it’s me” line ( which come to think of it I have never USED that line. I mean, I was a practicing alkie for years and years, so I never actually broke up with someone, I just sort of…moved on or disappeared, and of course it was always them anyway, right?), but that is the truth of it all. None of the dire things I had imagined would happen, happen, and it was all very friendly and, well, nice.

There is much more to say on the subject, but for some reason right now I just feel sort of nauseated and relieved all at once, and am not sure what other feelings are lurking around to be processed. So for the moment I am simply going to feel what I feel, however that manifests itself, and be grateful.